Among the most emotion-provoking items in our closets are the things that represent or belonged to people who have passed. We cling to articles of clothing that they wore, gifts that they gave us, remnants of moments that we shared. We tuck these things away deep in our closets- just as these loved ones are tucked deep in our hearts- and we carry them with us as seasons of life change because we don’t want to completely lose evidence of the love we experienced.

These things that we cling to are pieces of a story. A story about a person who once lived and loved and was part of our lives. And, a story about how our hearts were once different because that person was alive.

The stories are everything. Closet of My Mind embarked on a great journey last year to unearth the stories that are hidden in our closets and minds. In 2016, we want to go deeper. We want to know more. We want to help you share those stories- those Histories (His/God’s stories) that make your journey uniquely yours.

The stories we want to explore first are triggered by those things we hold on to which represent people who have passed. Let’s honor those people and those places in your heart (and closet) by answering questions that help piece together the story.

As we wait to hear from you, here’s a story on this topic from our editor Briana:

“My closets and drawers are full of clutter. I believe that’s what they’re for! The house looks tidy, but everything behind the doors is a mess. Every now and then, I try to organize. I was recently straightening the handbag shelf in my closet (which meant going through every purse that was never fully emptied before moving on to the next purse) when I stumbled across a house key that brought me to tears.

The key belonged to my Mom. I gave it to her when my parents moved in with me so my Mom could seek treatment for her stage four pancreatic cancer. My Mom had always been forgetful. We learned as tiny kids that we needed to take note of where she parked the car if we had hope of ever finding it again. Knowing this about my Mom, I selected a colorful key for her so she would never confuse it with the other keys. The key also had a cross. It was my hope that God would always be inside the door of my home, helping us with the very hard journey of marching down to the end of Mom’s life.

During Mom’s final weeks, she didn’t need the key anymore. She spent more time in the hospital than out of it. And, she and Dad decided to move their things from their home in Idaho into an apartment not far from my home in Vegas so he wouldn’t have to do all of that after my Mom passed. Their place was a bit of a refuge for them. A home where this couple of 45 years held one another and fought together and prayed for a different reality. 

I remember when Mom returned the key to me. I don’t know why, but I felt hurt by all the things that represented. The key went into my purse, which went into my closet when I traded out the bag for another. Months later, after my Mom went on to Heaven, I found the key and thought of throwing it away (I’m in a different house with different locks now). Truthfully, I haven’t held on to much of my Mom’s things. I know she’s not in them. But, I’ve kept the key. It’s now in a bowl in my bathroom and I see it every day.

Every time I see the key, I wince a bit from heartache. It’s only been 16 months since Mom passed. I remember her last breath like it was yesterday. But, it isn’t the painful reminder that keeps me holding on to this thing- this tiny piece of metal that Mom used to hold in her frail hands. What keeps me clinging to the key is the hope that my Mom and I will once again share a home someday. When we are healed and whole and made perfect in Jesus’ love. I pray we will have a key that leads to a door where we live with Jesus. And, that’s where we’ll be forevermore.

Over the coming months, more of Mom’s things will go. A few blouses. Some Tupperware (the woman was never without leftovers, even at the end of her days). I might even let go of that last pair of shoes she bought, but never wore.

The key, though, will stay with me. It’s the key to our hearts and my eternal hope. That, I’ll never let go.”

Now, it’s your turn to share. Answer the questions that will help us piece together this story that is such an important part of you and the person that you miss.

It’s time to open the closet of our mind again! Just in time for the holidays! Let’s take a look at the traditions we hang on to and whether we should keep them or let them go.

It’s the time of year when we replay in our minds the memories we’ve made during all the holidays we’ve experienced, from childhood up until last year. We think about who we have shared these special days with in the past and who will be included in the future, what activities we have done and what we will do this year, where we have traveled to before and where we will go this time around, and, most impactfully, how the holiday ended up before versus how we hope it will go this year.

The very idea of everyone sitting down at the long table, enjoying a great meal and laughter together warms our hearts! It’s what we’ve been taught is the ideal since we were kids. I can picture it in my mind as I type this. It’s beautiful. Everyone is full of gratitude. You can’t wait to do it again next year. If this is what you experience, it shouldn’t take a rocket scientist or this therapist to tell you to KEEP DOING IT!

I just wonder if this image is just an expectation or reality for you?

I wonder if you look around the holiday table in your mind and see the faces of those once present but no longer. The wave of emotions that come over us as we examine those who may have started our traditions, but have departed from our lives. Or the ones we shared our traditions with who have been taken with little or no say so from us. Sometimes we realize the one who is gone is the one who held us together. What now?

You may also look around at the holiday table in your mind and realize that not everyone is full of love and laughter and gratitude. Holidays are often a gathering of family, friends, “frienemies” and “fanemies” (friends + enemies, family + enemies lol) all in the same place. Let’s face it, we may be related by DNA or marriage but that doesn’t make us perfectly compatible. The image that may come to mind for you is the heated argument over politics, religion or education while eating turkey dinner. Right? And, let’s not even talk about the one misguided relative who can’t seem to stop herself from improving stuffing. It’s stuffing! It doesn’t need improving. Hold the kale and quinoa, please!

When we think about how our holiday traditions have played out in the past, does it send us to our happy hopeful closet or our anxiety-filled closet of terror? If there is anxiety, it’s time to challenge our traditions! Are they beneficial to our emotional health? Do we have to do something because we always have before? Does it ever feel like we are forcing an outcome? Perhaps if everyone spoke truth, no one really is enjoying it anymore, but we are still doing it because it is what we always have done. Or believe it’s what we should do.

We often hold fast to our traditions, whether they are beneficial for us or not. My challenge for us is to be intentional when looking at our traditions- especially the what, where, when, who and why- and ask ourselves some tough questions. Is it time to create something new, leave something old, modify your plans, incorporate new people, serve the community, etc…?   It’s okay to stop things that aren’t emotionally healthy. As a matter of fact you SHOULD.

The only absolute when it comes to this season is holding fast to the WORD of GOD, not to traditions of man. 2Thes 2:15

If it isn’t serving you- or, more importantly, if it isn’t serving Him- you may need to let go and make room in your heart for something new.

NOW, I ENCOURAGE YOU, GO CLEAN OUT YOUR TRADITION CLOSET!

Be blessed with the peace of focusing on the reason for the season and not what you have traditionally made it to be.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Truthfully, I had to shove everything in the closet and shut the door for a few weeks.  I had so many things going that I was struggling to get anything done. My to-do list was growing by leaps and bounds and I wasn’t able to cross anything off my list. Anybody feel me? Anybody?

I used to think I could multi-task with the best of them. After all, haven’t you heard that women do this well? I not only believed I was the multi-tasking queen, but I had a sash and a tiara all picked out! However, I recently discovered that the idea of effective multi-tasking is actually a MYTH.

Disagree?

Take this challenge: Have a friend time- with a stopwatch- how fast you can say your ABC’s. Write down your time. My guess is that it will take you about 6-8 seconds. Now, have your friend time how fast can you count from 1 to 26. Write it down. Does 4-7 seconds sound about right? Finally, have your friend time how fast you can combine the two tasks while switching between the two (saying your ABC’s and counting to 26): 1-A, 2-B, 3-C, etc. Do that until you finish.

Now look at the time.

Hmmm….

I bet when you add up how long it took you to do both tasks separately it was a less than when you “tried” to do two things at once. For me, it actually took about three times longer to multi-task than to do the two tasks separately.

Surprised? Me too!

Our brains are amazing and we hold a lot of information we can access at any given moment, but the truth is it takes our processor time to switch back and forth between different tasks or thoughts.

The next time you look at your to-do list, keep this exercise in mind and try attacking your list one item at a time. Take the multi-tasking myth of the closet. Besides, research says that when you cross off something off of your to-do list, your brain actually releases dopamine! That keeps the momentum going because crossing things off the list feels great!

Until next time…

Focused on One, Kimberly

I am uber excited! The Closet of My Mind project loves to unveil interesting things about our personalities. Now, we’ve got a super fun ONLINE QUIZ to help you find out which Clothes Hanger Personality Type you are.

Are you a strong, yet inflexible WOOD type? Or perhaps a flexible and s’mores-friendly WIRE type? Take the quiz to find out. And, be sure to tell your friends!

Who knew that asking what kind of hangers you use would stir such emotions? What I learned is that some of you have some very strong attachments to your particular choice of hangers. Several of you felt passionate about plastic hangers, to the point I even received a history lesson with regard to the first prototype and its thickness verses today’s thinner models. I love it!

Among you are some definite “NO WIRE HANGERS” warriors. And, some of you who detest the wire, don’t even understand the Joan Crawford reference. You dislike them just because you dislike their performance. I mean, REALLY dislike their performance.

I am glad we are not talking politics, as the expressed opinions were as far apart as blue verses red during election season. I’m just gonna say, if this fixation is taking up a lot of time in your thoughts, please call me to enroll in the next new 12 step group, Hangers Anonymous.

To those of you who saw and responded to the article about the many possible uses for cheap hangers, you have confirmed my belief that what we say about the hanger is in line with our innate personality style. Yes, YOU have a clothes hanger personality style. You might be wood. You might be wire. You might be plastic. Or, you might be padded. I can see your mind turning already. Stay tuned for the next post to find out what type of hanger you are and what that says about you!

The other question we asked is how you learned about closet maintenance. Many of you said you weren’t really taught anything about closet protocol by your parents. It could be that the information fell on deaf ears or easily-distracted “squirrel” ears. Just kidding!

Others’ responses seemed to prove that some people, straight out of the womb, were organizing their surroundings and developing strong boundaries that should not be interwoven, crossed, or overlapped. Everything has a place and there is a place for everything. Physically and emotionally, right? 

On a serious note, I wonder…

• If the types of hangers in our closets parallel the thoughts in our minds. The flexible wire ones,  the uniform plastic, the powerful wooden and the sensitive padded hangers?  Hmmm… I can think of many thoughts that fit under those categories. How about you???  
• If those of us with more emotional attachments to the items in our closets, have more trouble with closet maintenance?
• How many of us may have had mothers who enforced a very harsh standard of organization and cleanliness, which affected the way we organize and clean now?

Always so much to think about when we take a peek inside the closets of our minds. Speaking of which, don’t forget to answer the latest CLOSET QUESTIONS. They’re good ones!

I recently asked what range of sizes you have in your closet and why you don’t only keep the clothes that fit you now. A rare two of you did say that you’ve only got one size in your closet. One even professed to wearing the same size since high school (I’ll withhold the name for security purposes). But, most of you confessed that you hold onto a lot of clothes that don’t quite fit right now because you’re hoping that one day you’ll get back to that size. One respondent calls these “goal clothes.” I love it.

Our goal clothes have a lot less than the clothes we wear every day- less fabric, less sleeves, less elastic- but, they say a lot more about us than we might be willing to admit. I wonder…

• How many of you have much cuter and more stylish goal clothes than the clothes you currently wear?
• How many of you look at those outfits with a bit of shame and longing?
• How many of you are unwilling to invest too much in your current size because you don’t believe you deserve it or you can’t love yourself where you’re at?

I get it.

The thing is, we can hate ourselves into being a size 4 (for example) or we can love ourselves at size 14 (another random example) and let that love be reflected in how we fill our minds, bodies, hearts… and closets.

Our hangers are holding so many of our hopes. But, is that the best place for them?

Speaking of which, I also asked what’s the oldest thing in your closets. Your responses made me laugh, and cry. One respondent has a number of sentimental things in her closet, including her grandmother’s lingerie. She was sure to let me know she doesn’t wear it. That’s a relief! Many of you had a common response about the oldest item in your closet; something I could write an entire chapter about! I’ll save that for the next blog post.

Until then, please answer the latest CLOSET QUESTIONS and please encourage your friends to participate in the project. The more responses, the better.

As always, thank you for sharing your closets and your hearts with me.

In the last set of Closet Questions, you were asked if you share a closet and, if you do, if the space is distributed equally. I don’t think takes my “special” intellect to have accurately predicted that the majority of you who share your closet take up most of the space, or even overflow to another closet. What makes this project so fun is asking the “why.” It’s one thing to answer yes or no but the juicy- I mean, insightful- stuff usually lies in the why.

Clothes may be an addiction for some ladies, according to their own confessions. Men generally seem to be minimalists. Although, we do have some ladies who are married to “divos” (kidding). We women, however, are just good problem solvers or negotiators or justifiers… depending upon your point of view.

Anonymous said she doesn’t throw anything out on her husband’s side of the closet- even if it’s 15 years old- because keeping it around allows for the illusion of balance and equality. Now, that’s just funny!

Lynsey admitted she absolutely takes more space in the closet, but quickly added that her husband takes space on the wall with a ginormous elk head. One of our participants pointed out that women’s clothes are just “moodier” than men’s. “They have business and casual and we have business, street casual, cocktail, dress-casual, formal, semi-formal and home casual, just to name a few,” she said. With all those moods perhaps I should offer therapy for closet mood disorders and clothing addictions. Ha! What do you think?

One respondent said that these questions gave her the idea to move her husband’s stuff to the hall closet so she wouldn’t have to share anymore. I know for one of the divorced ladies, the very idea of having to share a closet again once caused her to cancel her e-harmony subscription. Again… too funny!

As always, your responses gave me reason to wonder:

• For those of you that don’t like to share a closet, are you the oldest, middle, or youngest child?
• If someone told you to reduce your wardrobe by 75%, what anxiety would that cause?
• How often the closet space discussion takes place between you sharers?

The closet of MY mind is getting cluttered with all the things I want to share with you in the book! Thank you for allowing me to peek inside of yours. And, be sure to answer the latest Closet Questions!

This whole process is starting to become real. You’re opening up your closets more and more and I love that you are sharing your genuine authentic selves with me. It’s not lost on me that, to many of you, I am a total stranger! Thank you for being so brave. I can already see how we are beginning the process of purging our minds as we “walk” through our closets. Also, you’re probably getting some good laughs out of this, too. I hope so!

Just to catch you up, I posted the second set of Closet Questions not long ago. Here’s what they were:

1)WHAT IS SOMETHING IN YOUR CLOSET- BESIDES CLOTHES- THAT YOU DON’T WANT ANYONE TO SEE AND MIGHT NEED TO PURGE? WHY?

2) IF YOU HAD TO EVACUATE YOUR HOME QUICKLY, WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU WOULD RETRIEVE FROM YOUR CLOSET? WHY?

I have to say, I learned quite a bit through your responses. Remember the “fun” bag that was mentioned in Week One? Well, I’ve learned what’s inside of it and, no, I won’t be sharing as not everything needs to public knowledge. That information is now tucked away in the lockable safe of my mind. LOL. I do have to let that “Anonymous” respondent know that she is not alone. A few more ladies came clean about their own hidden “fun” during their closet confessional time. When you’ve been married 33 years and you are a therapist, you understand FUN is important! Just a note of caution, I was quite “investigative” (a nice way of saying snoopy) as a child, so I encourage all parents to keep your “fun” hidden or locked away. Either that, or be ready to provide a very creative explanation.

Through your responses, I learned that many of us hold on to things that- at one time- represented our greatest joy, but later became reminders of our greatest heartaches and disappointments. For example, we keep the wedding dresses of the marriages that failed and the keepsakes of the loved ones who are no longer with us. The chapter I am currently writing for the book addresses this phenomenon, giving suggestions for prying our fingers from the pain while letting the good things we experienced remain.

Some of us keep our most treasured possessions in our closets (and I am not talking about our shoes, Imelda!). It causes me to wonder…

• Why are these treasures not on display?
• Are we fearful that our cherished items would not be esteemed by others? Should that even matter?
• Do our treasures have a time limit before they expire and are traded out for the keepsakes of new memories?
• Is it too painful to speak of the memories that go along with the items we keep in our closets?
• Do our cherished items feel safer in the closet, even though they are often out of sight?

Beyond treasures, many of you confessed to storing shopping bags and receipts in your closets. This made me think of my husband. I am married to a hunter! He recently received an “elk tag,” which means he can hunt elk later this year, and he is already boasting about how he will provide food for the family for the entire winter. Of course, this makes me giggle and is more than a slight exaggeration. But, the whole family is part of the planning for the Great Hunt. I love watching my husband, my son-in-law and all involved discuss, plan and dream about what they are going to do during this hunt which is five months- YES, FIVE MONTHS- away. They map out their area, talk to guides, discuss provisions, plan sleeping arrangements and, most importantly, where and how they will mount the antlers, should they be worthy enough.

I tell you all of this because I realized, after reading your responses, that we women are so similar. The shopping bags and receipts we keep are souvenirs of our versions of the Great Hunt. We planned around that sale. We worked out all the details for the expedition. We enlisted the partnership of a dear friend or family member. We earned the trophy of the perfect dress for that event or the right shoes for that party. Maybe we don’t mount our antlers, but it’s not unlike us to wear our bounties with pride. Or, some of us may even keep our antlers hidden for fear of ridicule and not looking good enough. That’s definitely something to wonder about!

The next Closet Questions are waiting for your answers now! And, I can’t wait to see more real answers about real closets from some incredibly authentic and wonderfully real women.

Thank you for getting real with me.

I have to say, it has been a lot of fun- and really thought provoking- to read through all of the responses to the first two Closet Questions: “What would be your first reaction if you knew your mother/grandmother might see your closet?” and “If your closet is a reflection of your personality, what does yours say about you?”

You’ve definitely got me wondering a few things, and wondering if you’re wondering a few things. But, first, let me share some of what I received from you brave and wonderful women.

I have to say, I wasn’t too surprised to see many of you describing yourselves (okay, your closets) as either very organized or very disorganized. A number of responses were along the same lines of Melanie’s: “I must be super scatter brained and all over the place because my closet is unorganized and there are random things shoved everywhere!” While others of you sounded similar to Dawn: “Extremely organized and neat, likes structure, and has too many clothes for any one person.” There were a few, self-confessed rainbow sorters (that’s a future topic, for sure) and a few who admitted keeping some secrets in their closets as well. There’s no way we won’t get to that!

In regards to our mamas seeing our closets, the responses ranged from Elaine’s, “Must clean! Must clean now! Must send in nuclear warheads and destroy all evidence and start anew!” to Sherry’s admission that, “I wouldn’t mind a bit (if my mom saw my closet) ’cause she was way more messy than me and would be impressed at my organizational skills.”

And, a surprising number of people have admitted to reorganizing their closets since the launch of this project. My editor and husband included. Preparing for inspection, maybe?

While the Closet of My Mind book will have full, in-depth chapters devoted to such things as how our moms show up in our closets (yes, it’s called, “No wire hangers!”) and the way we are versus the way we want to be, this blog is more of a light-hearted glimpse into the stuff that we’re sharing and uncovering- sometimes literally- as we get a peek into our closets and our minds.

Now, for all those things you’ve got me wondering about. Maybe you’re wondering about them, too.

I wonder…

• If organization- or disorganization- is something we’re born with or we learn.
• If the ultra organized might be a little bit tempted to just toss it all on the floor and set themselves free from the color coding.
• If the organizationally-challenged might do things differently if they just had a bit more time.
• If our desire to reorganize our closets for our mothers speaks to some pain in our hearts.
• If our answers speak to who we think we should be as opposed to who we actually are.
• What’s in that “fun bag” that “Anonymous” said she would hide if her mother were coming to visit?

Of course, I have my own ideas- and my professional opinion- but, I’ll save a lot of that for future posts and the book.

In the mean time, thank you for joining this journey. I hope you’ll answer the next pair of Closet Questions and that you’ll start to share this with your friends as well.

By Kimberly Malloy…

“But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.”

People’s behaviors have always intrigued me. I love studying mannerisms, motives and the messages we send- congruent and incongruent behaviors- through what we say and what we do . No judgment!!!! I am have my “hot mess” days like most of us. And, if it wasn’t for the Big Guy upstairs, I’d have more than just some challenging days. It would be a challenging life!

My intention with the Closet of My Mind project is to explore the physical expression of your master bedroom closet and how it may parallel the thoughts, patterns and habits that exist in your mind. Are you scared yet? Don’t be! This is meant to bring a smile, a chuckle and perhaps insight with a dash of inspiration. Just so you know, at no time will I be talking about coming out of the closet, although we will be talking about deep things.

We will explore the fears, desires, dreams and perhaps some quirks of our closet behaviors. We will talk about things such as what we hold on to and how we arrange objects in our closet. Does color coordinating your clothes make a statement about your personality? Perhaps. Let’s be honest… YES!!! Do you have more than just luggage in your closet? Maybe some baggage? It could be time to trade in your Samsonsite hard cover blue to a wheeled carry on. Have you intentionally simplified your life?

Why study the master bedroom closet? I don’t cook, so looking at the kitchen would be like talking in a foreign language. The living room is too obvious. And, who wants to talk about what goes on in the bathroom? The only room of significance left is the master bedroom closet and only the invited (usually the cleaning people) get to look at the reality of what’s in there.

Truth is, I have a fascination with closets. Let me set you all straight… this girl has lived in the same 1,900 square foot house for 25 years and it is all I can do to conduct a “spring cleaning” every 10 years, update an occasional picture or rearrange a couch. This doesn’t stop me from watching television shows where they rehab an entire home, find people a new house in a foreign country, or give tours of a celebrity home, though. I always pay the highest attention to the closets and to whom they belong. Actually, I am mostly interested in the stuff (in the end it’s all stuff, right?) we choose to keep and how we “organize” it.

Have you ever visited a home that had a magazine-worthy front room and a closet that looks like small bomb went off? Which room is the true reflection of the owner? Self disclosure: My closet looks like a tornado on most days but my husband’s is a reflection of the neat living room with a few exceptions. Hint: * Anytime you see this symbol it is a time to reflect.

* I am more intentional about keeping his closet in order than I am mine. I can’t wait to share more with you about my personal insight on this, but we are just getting started, so not yet! Keep reading!

I want your help! This project is not just about me, but it is a way for us to be supportive and to share some giggles together. I don’t need anyone else for me to laugh at myself. But, when I am struggling with something, having a few good friends around is critical for me. We can laugh about the things we store and why. But, truthfully, there are probably some things in your closet that bring some pain. Purging thoughts and things may be a part of this journey for you. In the bible we are instructed to go in our closet and pray to our Father. The Reverend Samuel Lee says the word closet “signifies a secret or recluse habitation, and sometimes it is rendered a hiding place for treasure.” These are words that were true in 1647 and are true today. Our closets can be a hiding place for treasure or a graveyard for shame and guilt.

An important component of this project will be your participation via social media. I want to hear the stories your closet holds for you. I want to know what your master bedroom closet looks like. I will be asking the bravest of you to take pictures and upload them or send them to me. I want to know what you keep in your master bedroom closet. Perhaps you store multiple sizes of clothes, high school yearbooks, love letters, pictures, gifts, tax info, dress up clothes, wedding dress, sports equipment, etc.

I hope you will join me in this journey!

Spinning off the wildly successful Capital One marketing campaign… What’s in your closet?